


Dear Jeno

by acrazyworldofdreams



Series: Love Donghyuck [5]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Friends to Lovers, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-19
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-10-12 14:04:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17468984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acrazyworldofdreams/pseuds/acrazyworldofdreams
Summary: Jeno and Donghyuck skirt around dangerous feelings.





	Dear Jeno

I’m wasted, and it’s not the first-time this week either. Things feel so foggy lately. I don’t know what I’m doing. All I know is I want the pain to disappear, and I know alcohol makes that happen. I hate seeing the sad looks people give me.

Months. It’s been months. I should be better by now, but I’m not.

I miss him every day. I need something to fill in all the spaces he’s left empty, because there’s so much of it. I wobble my way to the kitchen, I can’t actually remember whose house this is, but the kitchen’s fully stocked, so I don’t really give a fuck. I wonder where Jeno is, is Jaemin here too? I haven’t seen much of Jaemin lately.

Jeno told me the two of them have been fighting a lot lately. He won’t say it, but I know it’s about me. About my path of destruction I’m on and how I keep dragging Jeno along with me.

There are some kids I don’t recognise by the makeshift bar that’s been set up in the kitchen. I fake being soberer than I am. I’ve gotten quite good at it apparently, because they happily fill up my cup with whatever disgusting concoction has been put together for this party. I don’t care. As long as it numbs the pain, I’m all good.

I head into the garden, and finally locate Jeno. He’s by the pool, cup in hand, but I can see he’s staring at his phone. He looks sad. Shit. I don’t know if I can cope with Jeno being sad too. I walk over to him, with the intention to try and fix him. Maybe I still have some use, to someone.

_“Jeno”_ I say, as I fumble and collapse next to him. He catches me like always, and a small smile makes it way to his lips.

_“Hey Hyuckie”,_ I hear in his soft voice.

I’ve know Jeno for so long, but I’ve never really thought about how pretty he is. It’s just not something I’ve had to consider, but in the moonlight, which is being reflected by the pool, he kind of looks ethereal. He reminds me of Renjun in a way.

Fuck, no. Not tonight. I chug my entire drink. He is the last one I want to think of.

_“Whoa Hyuckie. You doing okay there?”_ Jeno is clearly not as drunk as I.

_“I’m all good Jeno-ah”,_ I respond, pulling out the cute face, hoping he’ll get off my case. He’s usually pretty cool about it all. This year we’ve kind of become the dream team again. I’ve really needed it, ever since he left.

Jaemin hasn’t wanted to know though.

_“How’s Jae?”_ I ask, pretending to care. I don’t want to, because thinking about Jaemin being upset with me hurts, and I can only take so much hurt.

_“He’s upset with me,”_ Jeno shares. _“Why?”_ I know why, but I want to pretend I don’t. Jeno looks at me to gauge how drunk I am. I think he thinks I’m more gone than I, because for once, he opens up more about what’s going between them.

_“Because of us Hyuck. He thinks something’s going on between us, and I told him there isn’t, but you know Jaemin and I just can’t be bothered anymore. If he’s not going to believe me when I tell him the truth, then why am I even with him.”_

As many times before recently, I’m shocked into silence. Fucking hell, I didn’t know it was so bad, and that Jaemin thought that we would cheat together. I want to be mad at him, but I can’t lie. Jeno makes me feel less empty, and less alone, and I would do anything for that.

We’ve haven’t crossed that line yet, but there was that moment two weeks ago, when we were lying in my bed just looking at each other. And the scariest part was we were stone cold sober. I would never ask Jeno to leave Jaemin for me.

But fuck, has it got this bad without me even realising?

I think of Renjun’s last text that I left on read. _“Hyuckie it’s time to let go of me. I love you, but I can’t hear about you destroying yourself anymore. Please look after yourself. I will always love you. Take care.”_

Why does it have to be so complicated? I don’t want to have feelings for another friend. For fuck’s sake. This is not how my life is meant to go. My arm shakes, and I realise Jeno has been waiting for me to respond in some way to his outpouring. I don’t think it’s safe for me to say much.

_“I’m sorry if I’ve done anything to hurt your relationship, Jeno. I’m fucked up I know_.” I look down at my hands, which are cupping the empty cup. I wish it had more in it, so these feelings can piss off. Jeno pulls me into his side and kisses the top of my head.

_“It’s not your fault Hyuck. Sometimes things end, even when they don’t seem like they should. We can’t fix everything. Whatever happens will happen okay? And it’s not your fault.”_

I look up at him and see for once the truth is being told. Not everything that goes wrong is my fault. Renjun tried to teach me that once, but then he left, and I forgot. _“Okay Jen, I’ll believe you this time.”_ I may not remember this conversation in the morning, but Jeno will and hopefully he’ll remind me.

Suddenly I’m just so, so tired of it all.

Home suddenly feels very appealing, so I ask Jeno if we can go there, and he nods. He puts his half-drunk cup down and pulls me up. I’m not completely gone, but it’s difficult to find balance right now. Jeno crouches down a little and indicates I should hop on. It reminds me of when we were kids, and he would give me a piggy back home after drama club.

I awkwardly hop on and cling on for dear life. Jeno laughs, and I join him. It feels good. I want to chase this feeling. We make it home in no time and Jeno half drops me onto my bed. He pulls off my trainers and undoes my jean button. I squeezed into them in the first place, so Jeno has to help me wiggle out of them. It shouldn’t be as funny as we find it, but we are pretty wasted.

My t-shirt comes off by my own hands and I pull on the one Jeno has pulled out of my drawer for me. He’s got his own from there too, we’re not too dissimilar in stature, so it fits him well and he looks good.

Again with the good looking-ness – I drunkenly think, and then remind myself Jeno is taken, by a boy I once loved. I’m so fucked up. How did Renjun ever love me? I crawl into bed without brushing my teeth. I’ll regret it in the morning, but I cannot be fucking bothered right now.

It seems though Jeno can, as I hear the light go in my bathroom, and the sound of water running and spitting. I try to keep my eyes open, waiting for him to join me in bed so I can say goodnight, but I only half make it. My eyes are shut, and I’m slightly snoring when he turns the light off and climbs in. We’ve always done this, so I’ve never really thought about stopping. We probably should.

Jeno’s arms snake around my middle. I’ve always needed to be held. It makes me feel safe and loved. Something Jeno’s never been afraid to show me. I’m almost asleep, when I hear him. I’m relieved though, because I’m afraid of what will happened next.

_“Hyuck-ah, what the fuck am I doing? Jaemin’s going to break up with me, but I can’t seem to stay away from you. Am I terrible person? Please tell me I’m not.”_

Silence. Jeno cries into my back.

I say nothing and sleep, trying to ignore the fire, which had rekindled in my chest.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to explore a time where Donghyuck isn't doing the thing yet. This storyline is one of my favourites, as it's so interesting and complex!


End file.
